


The Cheaters

by Spazzo47



Category: The Newsroom (US TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-20
Updated: 2019-02-20
Packaged: 2019-06-13 07:08:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,359
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15359010
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spazzo47/pseuds/Spazzo47
Summary: When Will has to leave quickly, it brings up some stuff that changes the dynamics between him and his paramours.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SueG5123](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SueG5123/gifts).



> Saturday night SueG5123 called me out on chapter 50 of Subtext (the last posted story for a few weeks) because she wanted more stories. Until this point I'd been trying to stay away from my computer after work. But Sunday morning I woke up to a dream about my next fic and I spent my time at church figuring out how to make it work. This apparently didn't not please God because once I got home, it was smited from my brain. On Monday, my characters started talking to me again and I mapped out another story. That promptly got thrown aside when I started writing. 
> 
> But the point is, I have stories running through my head again and the only thing I can figure happened was Sue called me out and got that going. So thanks, Sue.

“Is he with you?”

“What the fuck?”

She took a frustrated breath and repeated, more clipped this time.  “Come on Mackenzie, just tell me the truth.  Did my boyfriend go home with you?”

Mac didn’t try to hide her laughter.  In fact, she may have exaggerated it a little.  “I’m sorry, that you lost track of your _boyfriend_ , Nina, but I didn’t realize that it was my turn to watch him.  You really should put out a schedule.”  Saying the word made her stomach churn.  Will sure as hell has never used that word.  In fact, when someone suggests it, he rolls his eyes and shuts down the conversation.  Mac is pretty sure that Will thinks of her as the person that he’s fucking regularly.  Another thought that makes Mac’s stomach hurt. 

“So, you’re saying is he’s not at your place?”

“Have you tried, I don’t know, calling him?”

“Of course, I tried calling him.”  Nina hated the patronizing tone Mac took.  Will had yelled about it once after work, but she didn’t’ realize how annoying it was.  “You’re the last person I want to talk to about him.”

“And yet you’re on the phone with me!”

When Nina spends time with Will, Mackenzie is the elephant in the room.  They both got good at ignoring it.  If Will has a bad day and wants to complain about Mac, Nina cheers him on.  Otherwise, Will doesn’t talk about Mac at all, and if Nina asks about her – if she sees a picture of Will and Mac at that dive bar they go to or if she asks about how a late working session went – Will clams up and walks out of the room.  Nina hated Will a little for making her call Mac.  She always has to wonder.  The pictures that come across her desk always show them together, always laughing.  There’s a brightness to his face, a level of relaxed that he has with Mac that Nina has never seen in person.  She heard the fucking voicemail message.  He denied still having those feelings, but she knows.  She’s always known.  She believes he honestly wants to move on, that’s why she stays with him.  And because she missed having someone to go out and have fun with.  Will was fun, and intelligent, and he could make her laugh.  But she knew when she got involved with him that he was taken and that hasn’t changed in 6 months. 

“Why call me, Nina?  Your _boyfriend_ , what? He didn’t answer the door or take your call or go to your place to do whatever…  Why call me?”

Nina had enough.  She’s been on the losing end of this triangle long enough.  And she’s not going to let Mackenzie play her like a fool.  Maybe she has been for 6 months, but not anymore.  “Don’t play stupid, Mackenzie.  You know as well as I do that he’s still in love with you.”

Mac laughed at the statement.  “I suppose he told _you_ that?  Before he told me?”

“That’s not a denial.”

“He never said it, Nina.  I know him.”

Nina took a breath, half exhausted, half exasperated.  “Well, if you’re not going to say it, I fucking will.”

“Great, now you’re starting to talk like him.”

Nina got tot he restaurant that she and Will planned to meet and waited.  Being stood up was bad enough, but after a half hour she called his cell and didn’t get an answer.  She called the studio and Maggie answered.  She said that Will had left about a half hour ago and Mac told everyone to just leave him alone tonight.  She was fucking sick of all of this.  “Do you think I want to say it?  Do you think it’s fun knowing that any day, any minute I can get a text or a phone call from him telling me he’s leaving me for you?  Do you think I like knowing that I live in your shadow and that he will never leave me a message like the one he left you?”

“What are you talking about?”

“The message, Mac, the fucking voicemail message.  He called that night to tell you that he loved you.  That he never stopped.  And after six months he still hasn’t.  So, I just want to know, woman to woman.  Did he finally tell you and you took him back?”

Mac needed a second.  She knew what it was like to be in love with Will McAvoy while expecting that any moment the axe could drop and he could walk out.  She also had to wrap her head around the idea that he might still love her.  And with what happened tonight… All Mac knew for sure was that she didn’t need to be petty right now.  She had room to be the bigger woman.  “He’s not with me.  After the show, he raced out of the studio.  I haven’t heard from him, but if he was in trouble…”

“He’d call _you_.”

It hit Mac as soon as she started the sentence that Nina finished.  He was okay.  And she knew it because he hadn’t called yet trying to sort through… everything.  She felt guilty.  She didn’t know she was part of Will’s relationship, or whatever the fuck it is.  Hell, he does everything he can to pretend it doesn’t exist.  If Nina knew what happened, she’d get it, but it wasn’t Mac’s place to tell this to Nina. 

“If I hear from him, I’ll tell him to give you a call.  But, Nina,” Mac had to pause to figure out what she wanted to say.  “I know him pretty well and I know that he has a good reason.”

Nina hoped that if she told Mac the truth about the message, it would make her feel like she got revenge on Will.  Instead she felt worse.  She also know that Mac would tell him to call.  And he will, because Will always does what Mac tells him.   But Nina wants him to call her because he wants to, because he wants to share this piece of his life with her.  So they can have something that he doesn’t have with Mac.  Because he wants to talk to her, his girlfriend.  “Thank you, Mac.”

Mac hung up the phone.  She told the truth.  She doesn’t know exactly where Will is, but she knows enough.  This must be what it’s like to be the other woman.  Will didn’t deserve it when Mac cheated on him with Brian.  And, unless Mac misread Nina, Nina doesn’t deserve to feel like Will is cheating on her, even if it's just emotionally.  As much as she’s concerned about Will, she also hates knowing how she's been cast.    


	2. Chapter 2

 

 

Will sat on the plane trying to keep his breathing steady.  Several months ago, Habib had given him some… _exercises_ … to do when he starts feeling like this.  For the first time ever, Will wished he paid some attention during that conversation instead of throwing away whatever the fuck the shrink gave him. 

As he tilted his head back, Will wanted to laugh hysterically.  He didn’t, he couldn’t.  Someone might see him.  But it struck him as funny.  He’s sitting on a fucking nearly empty plane – because who the fuck goes to Nebraska ever… let alone in the middle of the night? – scared out of his mind that a fan or… not a fan… is going to catch him freaking out after his father died.  And the question running through his mind is if he gets caught by someone with a fucking cell phone, should he play up the mourning he should feel or would it be better to say that one of his nieces or nephews is having a wedding or a baptism or some fucking event.  He might get some of the religious right back with that last one.  Fans are so fucking fickle.  Almost as much as the elected officials.  But hell if he knows which would be the better lie.  On one hand, he could tell them he just wants to be left alone because that’s what mourners want and people would understand that and sympathize.  On the other, he could put on the celebrity face that everyone expects.  And it will work, either way.  He’s a celebrity and people believe any shit that celebrities say.  He just has to keep the tone right.    

This doesn’t affect him.  No matter what she says, it doesn’t.  He hasn’t even talked to John McAvoy since Christmas and their traditional Christmas phone call lasts approximately one minute.  Peg shoves a phone in their father’s hand, one of them said “Merry Christmas” the other said, “Asshole” and the first said, “Right back at you.”  If his father said it, he would have said “ya” instead of “you” because he never learned how to speak properly.  John McAvoy and his 5th grade level of education.  At least that’s what Will always said.  His father was the proud owner of a GED.  He didn’t need much education to go to a bar. 

But that’s part of the problem, isn’t it?  John William McAvoy and William Duncan McAvoy have nothing in common.  They’re like an airplane and a… motorized scooter.  Why would a Lockheed Martin F-35 Lightning 2 give a damn about anything that happens to a Moped?  It wouldn’t.  The two may both be machines, but they have nothing in common.  John William and William Duncan have nothing in common, ergo, this doesn’t matter.  He should just recline his seat as much as possible and sleep until the plane lands in Lincoln. 

That’s what he should do. 

He really should. 

Because he really doesn’t care. 

Will looked around anxiously.  When he verified that the only people in his cabin are airline employees or asleep, he allowed himself a chuckle.  She would tell him he’s full of shit.  That’s why he didn’t tell her his plan to leave after throwing a few things in a bag at home.  Well, that and he didn’t want to find out when he got on the plane that she got a ticket because she thought he doesn’t want to be alone.  She doesn’t know him as well as she thinks.  She’s not the pilot to his F-35, constantly directing.  Constantly moving him where _she_ thinks he should go.  He makes up his own mind, he does what he wants.  Fuck, he has a fucking… person that he's seeing.  And it isn’t her.  Even if sometimes he forgets that. 

He didn't tell his actual, whatever the hell she is that he was leaving either.

Or what happened. 

Or… anything really.  It never seemed important to tell her.    

Of course, he didn’t tell anyone.  About going to Nebraska.  The other stuff too, but that’s none of anyone’s business.  He should tell someone that he’s on a plane though.  He’s the face of a network, they need to know that he won’t be at work.  He didn’t intend to slight anyone, he just got home, packed a few things and… fuck.  How did he know there was a plane leaving for Lincoln tonight?  He doesn’t remember looking it up. 

Okay.  So maybe he is full of shit.  But not the way she thinks.  He really doesn’t care.  His father, the man who made him… No, John William does not get to take credit for who William Duncan is.  William Duncan became a man despite John William.  John William fucked him up.  John William is the reason that William Duncan can’t find happiness.  John William is the reason that the McAvoy farm got repossessed.  William Duncan had to clean that mess.  After law school, while most of his colleagues went out and blew their money on… whatever the fuck recent college graduates buy in anticipation of their forthcoming windfall, William Duncan had to buy a farm so that his mother could have a place to live.  And no one ever knew. 

Well, almost no one. 

He remembered the night he told her.  She put her arms around him and told him he was a good son, a good man.  No one ever said that to him before.  That he was a good… anything.  He was good _at_ things.  Teachers could never find a flaw in his logic.  Colleagues stood in awe of his conviction rate, writing style or broadcast intuition – depending on which job he had.  Fans fawned over him, for whatever reason fans fawn.  He was good _at_ so many things.  But that night… It didn’t matter.  For a moment in time, he was just good.  He didn’t have to perform, he didn’t have to give something.  She told him he was good, that’s it.  And he liked that feeling, being accepted without having to live up to…  But, for all he knew, she may have said that and then left their bed for her other boyfriend.  The one that she never got over, the one she must have loved more than him.  If William Duncan was good, then the other man must have been better.

But it doesn’t matter.  He doesn’t care about her or her opinion anymore.  He can even prove that.  He’s currently involved with someone else.  Someone who… It’s easy with her.  They don’t fight.  She comes over after the broadcast when she’s invited or they go somewhere over the weekend and have a nice time.  There’s always dinner and… conversation.  She laughs at his jokes and speaks intelligently on a variety of topics.  He always thought having this… whatever the fuck it is… it would be about the sex.  But it isn’t.  It wasn’t with her and it’s not now either.  When it was her, it was conversations on the phone because she lived half her week in DC and he lived in New York.  It was walking through the National Mall, hand in hand trying to surprise each other with useless trivia.  It was teasing her brother and sisters.  Having passionate fights and even more passionate makeups.  He used to pick at her a little just to get her going so they would have to make up later.  Seeing that twinkle in her eye.  Feeling her cuddle up next to him on the couch while watching _North by Northwest_ because it was her favorite movie. 

Maybe it was easy with her, but in a different way than it is with the other one now.  He missed working with her to fit together and share a life.  Now it’s… different.  Now, it’s about… something else.  Not being alone, maybe.  Being seen with the right _type_ of person, not necessarily the right person.    He says the things that will make her happy.  She tempers her opinions into a politically correct statement he shouldn’t object to.  And it works for them.  It’s not volatile.  It’s not a man hitting a kid for clearing the table the wrong way or a woman telling a man that he… that he. 

She was wrong.  He’s been this way for a long time, a long time before she ever met him.  He’s not a good anything.  Her insistence that he become some better version of William Duncan.  He’s already the F-35 of lawyers and news anchors.  That’s what he’s good at.  And that’s all he needs to be good at.  He doesn’t need to be a good son.  John William didn’t deserve that.  He doesn’t need to be a good person.  The ship’s sailed on that already.  He just needs to be who he is.  And he likes that the one he’s with now lets him be that.

A fraud. 

No, that’s not his voice, that’s hers.  And that’s part of the problem.  No matter where he goes or what he does, her voice is there.  If she’s not literally in his ear, she’s in his office, or on his phone, and every once in a while, in his dreams.  Nagging at him, demanding more.  He doesn’t have more.  He can’t give her more.  He wishes he could.  Wait.  What?  He can’t give her more because she betrayed him and…

What the fuck does it matter?

It was her, wasn’t it?  He didn’t look up the flight information.  She knew him.  She knows him as well as a pilot knows an airplane.  The pilot knows what an airplane has to give and how to get it out of the collection of nuts and bolts and whatever the fuck. 

He got home in a daze.  He doesn’t even remember the ride home.  The other one wasn’t there.  He didn’t know if he expected her.  He didn’t care enough to wonder.  Hell, she could be another woman out fucking another ex-boyfriend for all he cared.  His colleague, his friend, she told him to go home and pack, so he did.  Simply because she said so.  And she made him agree to it.  When he got home, he looked at his messages.  She sent him a text and told him when the next 5 planes would depart.  He didn’t want either of them, really anyone, to know he left.  His current relationship couldn’t handle this conversation.  Or maybe he couldn’t handle telling her something so personal.  He had already shown too much to the other.  Not that it mattered.  She already knows what he doesn’t. 

She knows what he’s supposed to feel.   


	3. Chapter 3

Mac put down the phone, still a little shaken from her conversation with Nina.  Several months ago, Will went to Mac’s office and closed the door.  He told her that a photographer got a picture of him on a date.  Mac rolled her eyes.  They had an understanding.  She knew he dated, but he was supposed to be careful that the dates never hit the public eye which would make them lose credibility.  Before she could say anything, he said, “It’s not like that Mac.”  He stopped, he almost couldn’t bring himself to say it.  “I’ve been seeing someone.”  Mac didn’t think she said anything, though she tried.  Then he told her who.  He defended himself against all the charges she hadn’t leveled at him out of shock.  Finally, when she intended to ask how long, she heard herself say, “are you in love with her?”  His face changed, hers probably did too.  His face got softer as hers showed the hurt the question had for her.  He very definitively told her no.  And then he left. 

They maintained their friendship mostly because Will kept the women away from each other.  She didn’t think much about Nina, but on those occasions that the other woman came to her mind, she assumed he kept them apart at Nina’s request as much as her unspoken one.  But that didn’t mean the entire office didn’t know.  The first story led with the question of whether Will dated the gossip columnist to stay out of the papers.  They didn’t get better from there.  Will apologized after an article suggested in great detail strife behind the scenes at _News Night_ after Will allegedly declared his undying love for Nina in front of Mac and the crew on Valentine’s Day.  Will’s apology included the assurance that he never said such a thing to Nina.  After that, the articles stopped.  Mac always thought Will did something to stop them, but she never got confirmation. 

Mac worked hard to stay out of their relationship, hoping that it would run its course, but the longer it goes, the more she has to face the possibility that it could become serious.  Or more serious.  She doesn’t know, because she never asked.  But tonight… she had to wonder.  If his father collapsed after the show instead of during it, would Nina be with him now?  Would he have brought her with him and introduced her as the woman in his life?  When he left, he walked out on auto pilot.  He looked like he felt numb.  He wasn’t thinking, that’s why she forced him to agree to pack a bag and sent him flight information.  She knew that he needed the closure that comes with a funeral.  And while even in that condition he was probably smarter than any 3 people in the office together, at that moment, he didn’t know anything.  He just did what he was told.

She couldn’t do more than what she has.  Even before Nina’s call, she knew that she can only support him as a friend.  She can’t make a trip to Nebraska unless she goes as part of a group from work.  She can’t allow herself to get into an intimate conversation about his feelings.  She’d set up those boundaries when Nina came into his life and she can’t let either of them cross those borders until Nina is out of the picture.  She can’t disrespect their relationship like that. 

No matter how much she wanted to. 

\--- --- ---

“Hey.  It’s me.”

“Will?”

“I hope I didn’t wake you.  I mean, I guess it’s 3 AM there, so I guess.  Look, I’ll give you a call later.”

“Will!”  She knew him well enough to know that he wouldn’t call this late unless it was important.  And she really wanted to hear what he had to say, even if she’d imagined the worst for the last several hours.  Her journalistic instincts took over when she finally asked,  “Why did you call?”

Will took a deep breath.  He debated with himself about who to call when he got settled into his hotel room and now that he has made the choice, he doesn’t know what to say.  “I’m sorry, Nina.  We had a date and I should have let you know that…”  He couldn’t tell her everything, it would take too long and he’s too tired.  “There was a family emergency.  It happened while I was on the air and I needed to get to Nebraska immediately.  In my rush, I forgot I was supposed to meet you.”

It’s not that she didn’t believe him, it just wasn’t enough.  “I guess Mackenzie told you to call me.”

“Mackenzie?  Why would she?  I haven’t talked to her since the last break.  I have to call her in the morning to let her know that she has to find someone to cover.  Why did you think she would have told me to call?”

Nina knew Will well enough to know that he never lied.  They usually fought over his bluntness.  Between that and the genuine shock in his voice, Nina knew he hadn’t called Mac.  She smiled at the realization that he chose to call her on his own.  He wanted to talk to her instead of Mac.  She decided to take a chance, to become more vulnerable to him than she had ever been.  “I thought that this is something you’d talk to Mackenzie about first.”

Will could hear the tremble in her voice and felt a tinge of shame.  “I owed you an apology, not Mac.  Because I let you down, not Mac.  And,”  Will knew he had to be careful how he worded this.  “You’re the person I’m with, you deserve to be the first person I call.”

Nina heard how Will referred to her and the hope she got from his previous answer began to wane.  She worked to keep the disappointment from her voice as she said, “Okay, Will, I have to go to bed.  Do you know when you’ll be back?”

The arrangements haven’t been made as far as Will knows.  And he wanted the option to be at home alone for a little while.  “I’m not sure.  It just depends how things go here”

“Okay, well, let me know when you get back.”  Nina thought for a second.  She hadn’t even asked if everyone was okay.  “Do you… need anything?  Is everyone –”

“It’s okay, Nina.  I just need to get a few things taken care of.  Everything’s okay.”

It wasn’t the answer she wanted, but she knew Will clamed up when his family came up.  He asked her before to be patient when it came to them.  He called her first, maybe he’s close to coming around.  “If you need to talk or anything, you can call.”

“Thanks, Nina.”

“Goodnight Will.”  Nina could feel it was the beginning of the end of their relationship, but still, she wanted to believe, give him a chance to talk to her. 

Will hung up the phone and saw a message from Mac.  “I guess you went to Nebraska, I’ll get you covered.  Call me when you get in.”

Will really did intend to hang up with Nina and go straight to sleep, but seeing Mac’s name in his list of text messages… It wouldn’t be the first time he woke her up at 3 in the morning.  Hell, there were times over the years that 3AM was almost a standing meeting time.  He found the memory funny.  He was such a jerk.  And for some reason, she never hated him for it.  She didn’t like him very much a lot times, but she didn’t hate him.  Even during this Nina stuff, she did her part to continue their friendship.  There are so many things he needs to figure out and he only will by talking to her.

He put the phone to his ear again. 

“Hey, Mac.  I got your messages.  I just got in and got settled.  I’m sorry I didn’t call before I left, I should have found a sub—”

“I talked to Sloane after you left.  She’s ready to cover if needed.”

“Good.  Good.”  Will stood in the middle of his hotel room, unsure what to say.  With Mac, it’s always been so easy.  He could always say anything and she’d either accept him or push back on him.  She always knew exactly what to say.  But something is different.  They’re out of practice.  She all but ended their late night conversations once he started seeing Nina, and now he doesn’t know how to talk to her. 

Mac knew she needed to end this call, but hanging up on a man who just lost his father seemed wrong.  “Are you okay?  I mean with –”

Will didn’t know how to answer.  He didn’t know the answer.  Anyone else, he would say he’s fine and that would be the end of the conversation.  But Mac would know that he’s lying, hell, she probably knows he’s considering it right now.  “I don’t know Mac.  It doesn’t make sense.  He – I don’t know.”

Mac’s heart broke.  She hated hearing him in pain.  She hated that she couldn’t help him.  Not the way that she wants to.  “I’m sorry, Will.  You weren’t close to him, for good reason, but he was still your dad and you’ll never get to hear him say the things that you need him to say.  I’m sorry for that.”

She was right, he knew that she was right.  She always was, she always knew the right thing to say.  “Thanks, Mac.”  Will stopped, calculating if he really should ask what he wanted.  “Listen, Mac, I was wondering.”  He stopped again, not sure how to ask this.  Mac wouldn’t deny him anything he asked for, she wouldn’t.  But that didn’t make it okay for him to ask. 

“I talked to Charlie and he and Nancy are going to make it to the funeral.  He’s going to call you in the morning to find out about arrangements.  I hope you don’t mind that I told him.”

She knew what he was about to ask.  And she just told she wasn’t planning to come.  There’s no one he wanted to see more, but he couldn’t ask and he knew why.  “No, no.  That’s okay.  I’m glad you did.  Did you tell the staff?”

“Not yet.  I didn’t think you would want everyone calling you all night.”

Will felt himself smile.  “You’re right.  I wouldn’t have been able to handle it.  Would have turned off my phone.  I still might in the morning.”  Listened for her to giggle or something.  He imagined her smiling at his little joke.  “Look, Mac.  What about you?  Will you come out here with Charlie and Nancy?”  He felt a tear well up in his eyes.  “I’d like to have my best friend here.”  When she didn’t say anything for a second, he added an unintentionally pitiful sounding, “Please.”

Mac could barely stop herself from crying.  “I can’t, Will.”  She could hear the question die on his lips.  “You should call Nina.  I mean, she called earlier and –”

“I know.  I talked to her already.”  Will could barely stop himself from crying and he didn’t know why.  He had a… person he was seeing.  Mac was right, he should ask her, but… it had never been clearer to him that he didn’t want her.  Not for this.  “I’m sorry, Mac.”  He didn’t know what he was apologizing for.  Except he did.  He did everything he could to not make Mac have to live with the pain of knowing he was with someone else, but he couldn’t erase the fact that he was with her.  And his request wasn’t fair to Mac.  He didn’t mean it selfishly, but it was selfish.  “Can you just?”  Will didn’t know how to put into words what he wanted from her.  “I was thinking on the plane and I remembered something you told me a long time ago.  It was when I needed to renegotiate the terms of Peg buying the family farm without her knowing that she was buying it from me.”

Mac smiled at the memory.  “She wouldn’t have accepted it from you, she wanted to pay for it herself so she asked you to help her negotiate with the bank.  I remember.”

Will heard the smile in her voice and smiled himself.  Sometimes it still surprises him to see how much that time meant to her too.  “You told me something that day.”

Mac’s heart hurt.  In all Will’s years of life, he never heard from anyone the words he needed to hear most.  She shouldn’t say it, she shouldn’t cross this line, even if she has more than once already.  He has a different woman in his life.  He should have this conversation with her.  But she can’t help it.  Everyone deserves to hear it, from a person who means something to him.  “You’re a good man, Will.  And I wish that your father would have seen that and told you that.”  Mac could hear him sniffle quietly on the phone.  It affected him.  It affected her.  He deserved to hear it.  Nina had no idea how special he is.  She sees his performance, Mac sees the man.  She’s positive of it, because if Nina saw him the way she does, he wouldn’t go a day without hearing it.  He wouldn’t need her to say it.  “You know, Will, Billy, I uh, I can talk to Charlie and see when he’s going to –”

“No.  Don’t, Mac.  You were right.  It’s not fair to either of you.  I’m sorry I asked.”

Mac heard the phone disconnect and she gave a great wail.  Will saved her from doing something she knew was wrong, but she wanted to do it anyway.  She wanted to support him.  She didn’t know if he would invite Nina, though she doubted he would.  But he would come home eventually and he would go to Nina’s or Nina would go to his place.  Life would go on as if none of this happened.

And Mac didn’t know how to pretend that didn’t happen. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This feels unfinished to me, but the ending actually come in the next episode when Will realizes that he wants someone who will say that his performance, and by extension him is good enough.


	4. Chapter 4

Will watched Maggie walk to the elevator.  She’s been back for… months now, but he still doesn’t know what to say to her.  Maggie and Gary went to Africa in a… failed attempt to find a specialty that neither of them needed.  Their first night in a foreign country, the night after Will told Mac about Nina, Mac got a call about Maggie holding a kid who got shot over the video camera they brought.  Mac made it clear to Will that _she_ would take care of Maggie, she didn’t need Will’s help.  She said, “You can’t help.  You haven’t held the body of a person who took a bullet meant for you.”  The haunted look in her eyes still makes him wake up in the middle of the night.  Watching Maggie, he still wonders if there’s something he should do or say.  Mac never told him what to do because he told Mac about Nina.  And Nina doesn’t know Maggie or what happened, so she couldn’t tell him what to do.  He decided he would let Mac handle it because she’s good at that.  And he would mess up any attempt he made to make things better.  He still wished knowing the right thing to say came as easily to him as it does Mac.  Or that he and Mac still worked as in synch as they always had before.  That he could follow her lead. 

Once Maggie cleared the area, Will took a breath and stood up.  He had to do this.  He has to do this because everything is so fucked up.  He had to do this because maybe it would help bridge the gap to working with Mac again and getting back some of what he lost.  He walked to Mac’s office and tapped on her door before walking in.  He had his head down so he didn’t see that she didn’t look up, she said “come in,” automatically.  Will took a second before stepping into her office and he closed the door behind him. 

Mac looked away from her computer when she heard her office door click shut.  “Will?”

“I broke up with her.”

“What?”

“Nina.  I broke up with her.  This morning.  After that… you know.  I couldn’t do it anymore, Mackenzie.  I just couldn’t.”  Mac looked at her anchor unsure what to say.  When he noticed the silence, he decided to force himself to look up at her.  “Aren’t you going to say anything?”

“What do you want me to say?  Congratulations?”  Mac didn’t want to sound sarcastic, but she couldn’t help it.  What the fuck was she supposed to say?  They were doing better until he decided to start doing the gossip columnist. 

Will took a breath.  This was the conversation he’d avoided since he hung up with her the night his father died.  For almost a week he’s replayed that in his mind.  Talking to her then, he knew that he had to break up with Nina.  The truth was, he knew during that call that he wanted Mac, whatever that meant.  And he thought he was ready to go after her, really make the commitment that he should have a long time ago.  But he couldn’t.  He tried, but he couldn’t.  And it confused him. 

So, after seeing her and failing, not being able to say or do what he intended, failing at the one thing that made sense to him, he went home and avoided both of them for a couple nights.  Nina called him first and he thought whatever happened had passed and he could make it work with her.  Having someone seemed better than having no one.  But then last night, she pushed him to sell out for ratings… and he convinced himself that she had a point.  Then he stood in the studio, humiliated with a football helmet on his head.  And it hit him.  It finally hit him.  He wanted to be good enough.  He would never be good enough for Nina. He would always have to get higher ratings or attract a better demographic to impress her.  He spent a lifetime wanting to hear someone say that he was good enough.  If it can’t come from the person who already said it, maybe he can find someone else. 

“I don’t know Mac.  I just thought… I thought you may want to know.”

Mac saw a sadness in him that she hated to see.  She wanted to walk around the desk and put her arms around him, let him know that she would help him through whatever happened.  But she couldn’t.  She replayed the night he came back from Nebraska in her head over and over all week.  She didn’t know he was coming back Monday night, she thought he’d stay another day after the funeral.  Her doorbell rang and she asked who was there.  He just said his name and she immediately buzzed him up.  He looked devastated when he got to the door, like a drowning man reaching for a… one of those round things with red and white stripes.  He needed something to keep him afloat.  He clutched on to her, but didn’t say a word.  She put her arms around him because she couldn’t deny him anything.  She never could, but especially then.  He needed… something.  He couldn’t put it in words and she could only make guesses.  She invited him in, she could get him a drink and they could talk.  That’s probably what he needed, a friend.  Someone who knew him well enough to understand the shit happening in his head… as well as anyone possibly could. 

He looked at her, really looked at her.  Tears streamed down his face.  She asked what was wrong, and he just shook his head, like he couldn’t come up with the words.  She squeezed his hand, she wanted him to know that she would be with him however he needed.  She wasn’t thinking about Nina, she just wanted him to know that she would be the friend that he needed.  He put his head down, trying to stop from crying.  And then he leaned in, like he wanted to kiss her.  She couldn’t move, she hadn’t expected this at all.  She thought she shouldn’t let him, but she couldn’t think of why.  He put his hand on her face, his thumb gently caressed her cheek and there was a look in his eye asking her for permission, but maybe more than that.  Something deeper.  She nodded her head because if he wanted what she thought, she wanted it too.  His head moved closer while she angled hers.  At the last second, he moved so that his lips barely brushed her cheek.  He stepped back from her and apologized, before leaving.  Mac tried to follow him, but he shook his head, begging her not to follow him.

Since then he’s avoided her.  He’s gone home immediately after broadcasts, not even changing before he leaves.  He’s come in late and leaves for several hours during the day.  He even makes sure to talk to her only when another staff member is in the conversation.  She would have supported him no matter what explanation he gave, or even if he didn’t give one.  But then this morning happened.  She hated that the stunt had Nina’s fingerprints all over it.  She knew she didn’t have any right to feel that way.  He chose Nina, but for a minute, Mac thought he wanted her and, though she knew it was wrong, she felt rejected by him. 

Mac tried to sound casual when she said, “Sloane told me.”

Will continued to stand as far from her desk as he could.  “Ah.”

Mac looked at him, expecting… something.  Though looking at him, standing there disheveled and with his head still down, she knew she’d have to pull anything he said out of him. 

“Did, uh.  Did Sloane say anything else?”

“Will, you’re not some school kid nervous because someone suggested that he likes a girl in his class.  I know as a fact that we’re beyond that.”  Mac could see the smirk on his face even with his head down.  Finally, she walked around her desk and leaned against it, facing him but denying her desire to reach out to him.  “Will, what’s going on?”

Will tried to put on a surprised face, but he looked to the side, not at her.  “What do you mean?  I broke up with my… Nina and I aren’t together anymore, I thought you would want to know.”

“Will.  Can you look at me?”

Will finally moved his head in her direction, without actually looking at her and said, “I am.”

Mac finally had to laugh.  “No, you aren’t.  And you haven’t since you came by my place.  And I want to know what’s going on.”

“I told you.  I broke up with—”

“I don’t give a fuck about Nina.  I never have.”

Will put his head down again and when he looked up he had a determined look on his face.  “I wanted to apologize… for this morning.  I acted like an ass.”

“I agree, but that’s not it either.  Why did you go to my apartment, Will?”

“Mac, I… I just wanted to say it won’t happen again.”

“If you’re talking about the morning show debacle, then you bet your ass it won’t.  Charlie and I talked to their EP and you won’t go on their show without our approval.”

“That’s probably for the best.”

“But that sure as hell isn’t what’s going on here.  What happened Will?  Something happened when you came to my place and I want to know what it was.”

Will put his head down again, this time trying to sort through the images and the voices.  He wanted to give her an answer.  He wanted to understand himself, but he couldn’t.  “I don’t know Mac.  I wish I knew.  I’ve spent the last three days trying to understand myself.  But I don’t know.”

Mac nodded her head.  “have you talked to Habib about it?”

Will shook his head.  “I haven’t seen Habib in a few months. Ever since he tried to give me some exercises for my anxiety.”

“Will!”

“I know.  I made an appointment for tomorrow.”

“Good.”  Mac looked at him and signaled for him to sit down, while she moved back to her chair on the other side of the desk.  He shook her off and kept standing against the wall.  “Why did you come to my place the other night?”

Will shrugged his shoulders.  “I don’t know.  It was spontaneous.  I thought.”  He let out a breath and looked down again.  “I don’t know what I thought.  But I was wrong.”

“Bullshit.”

“You think I was right?  I don’t even know what the fuck I thought, how can you have an opinion?”

“I think you know exactly why you came to see me and I think I deserve to know since this is affecting work now.”

Will hated having conversations with her.  When the fuck did Mackenzie McHale become his own personal lie detector?  “I went because I wanted to see you.”

Mac wondered for a second if he knew how absurd he sounds.  “I figured that out.  Why did you want to see me?”

“You mean you don’t already know?  Are you sure that I’m not here because I think you can finally tell me?  I don’t know, Mac!  I got off the plane and I felt like I just needed… I don’t know what, but I thought you could give it or get it for me.”

“And you left disappointed when I couldn’t?”

“No Mac.”  Will replayed that night in his mind again, scanning through until it finally made sense to him.  “You would have.  I know you would have, but I couldn’t go through with it. I couldn’t.”

“God damn it, Will!  Go through with what?”

“I thought I was in love with you.  I thought… but I guess not.”

Mac quickly tried to recreate the last week of Will’s life.  His father died and he was a wreck.  She could assume that he talked to Nina several times while in Nebraska.  Mac only talked to him after he got settled into his hotel and they connected.  He told her not to come, and it sounded like he was afraid of what could happen.  When he got off the plane, he went to her place and he couldn’t go through with whatever he thought he wanted.  Fuck!  She would laugh at him if he wasn’t so fucking ridiculous.  “Will!”

He didn’t hear her.  He still couldn’t quite understand what happened.  “I talked to Nina the night I talked to you.  Just before in fact.  And she was polite.  She asked all the things she was supposed to, she said everything she should have.  But she wasn’t you.  And when I got off the phone with her, I had to call you because I knew you could say and do all the things she couldn’t.  You knew all the things she didn’t.  The whole time I spent with my family, I heard your voice, not hers, in my head.  And when I got off the plane, I wanted you…”  Will who paced during his monolog, stopped, realizing something he hadn’t before.  “That’s it, I wanted you.  I wanted you to tell me it would be alright and…  I wanted you, not her.  It was spontaneous, I got in the car and my driver asked where I wanted to go and I started to say my place, but then I heard myself give your address.  I wasn’t thinking, I was acting on instinct.  There wasn’t anything for me at home.  There wasn’t anything for me with her.  I wanted you.  Because you thought I was good enough.  And then I got there.  And you were there.” 

Will looked at her for a moment, giving her a look that both scared her and made her feel more heart break for him than she ever had before.  Will saw her anguished look and thought it looked like pity.  He was so caught up in his epiphany that he couldn’t register the anger that started churning in him for her pity.  “And I couldn’t do it.  I couldn’t do it because I was still with her.  I knew I wasn’t in love with her and I decided that I wanted to break up with her.  But I hadn’t.  So, I couldn’t go through with it.”

Mac had to catch her breath.  She started to walk towards Will, saying the nickname she calls him in two long syllables.  She wanted to hold his hand and tell him all the things he needed to hear that night.  But he shook her off and his face changed to anger.  She instinctively retreated a couple steps. 

“I didn’t love her, Mac, but I couldn’t go through with it.  And I don’t even know that I wanted more than to sit on a couch with you.”  Will looked up, meeting Mac’s eyes unblinkingly.  “How could you do it, Mac?  For four months!  You say you loved me and you didn’t love him, but for _four_ _months_ you were with him and I couldn’t even do it one night.  I couldn’t cheat one night on a woman I didn’t love with a woman that I thought I was  –”

“Stop, Will!”  Mac made it a demand so that he would have to listen.  “You don’t get to say that you’re in love with me and keep holding this over my head.  That’s not love.  Now, I need you to hear me.  Cheating on you destroyed me.  Those four months were the worst of my life because I knew I was doing to us.  It started as a mistake when I thought you didn’t want me.”

“I always wanted you.  There hasn’t been a day since the day I met you that I didn’t want you.  How could you not know that?” 

Will’s voice had turned to a cross between pleading and anger.  Mac could only answer by being as brutally honest as possible.  “Because you spent the first year that we were together being scared of saying it.  Because you came to my hotel room to say it and then got scared and let me walk out after I told you that I understood that you would never get there.  And let’s not forget that fucking voicemail message.  As far as I knew, we were just dating because you couldn’t commit to more than that.”

“It wasn’t just dating.”

“And I wasn’t a mind reader.”

“You read my fucking mind pretty well now.  Why didn’t you then?”  Will stopped himself.  He didn’t want to rehash this.  He had to ask the question that kept gnawing at him.  “I went to you that night with every intention… I wanted to… I needed you that night, Mackenzie.  But I couldn’t do it.  I couldn’t follow through the way you did.  Why was it so fucking easy for you to sleep with your ex-boyfriend?  Why was it so easy for you?  Why wasn’t I enough for you?”

Mac closed her eyes and counted to ten.  She knew that she would never say anything harder than this, including when she told Will about Brian in the first place.  “Will, I love you.  I always have, but I made a mistake that I wish every day that I could take back.  But no matter what I do, I can’t.  I can’t undo it.  If you want to rehash this again, go talk to someone else.  If you want to move forward, then we can try to work through this.  But I won’t be beaten down by this again, Will.  And I won’t keep watching you beat yourself down, hurting yourself as you replay this in your mind.  You can make it stop.  And I think I deserve that.  As your girlfriend and as your friend, I’ve done a hell of a lot more right than this one thing that I did wrong.  If we never move past this, I understand, but you can’t keep punishing me for this.”

Will replayed her words through his head and nodded.  He didn’t know what else to do.  He usually trusts that she’s right, and maybe she is, but he doesn’t know what to do.  He doesn’t know how to stop.

Mac held his gaze until he lowered his head.  “I’m going to call Charlie and have him make sure you get home.”

“I can get home Mac.  You don’t have to bother Charlie.” 

“The last time you went home like this, I found you an hour later surrounded by blood on vomit on your bathroom floor.”

“Mac, why do you even care?  I mean, you said it yourself, maybe I didn’t love you the way I thought or else I would have said it sooner.  If I ever loved you, the other night, I would have…  I spent 6 months fucking every woman I could find…”

“You weren’t cheating on me, Will, you were reminding both of us that we weren’t together.”  Mac put the phone, that she held suspended at her chest level, down before dialing Charlie’s office number.  She walked over to Will and held both his hands in hers.  “Will, I'm taking care of you. You would do the same for me if the roles were reversed.”

Will gave a derisive chuckle. "How can you be so sure?"

"I know you better than anyone. And besides, that's what people in love do."

Will put his head down, feeling ashamed that he can’t be as certain she is.  Finally, he let go of her hands and said, “Call Charlie.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been picking at this for weeks, through computers acting crazy, a deadline for a play, polar vortexes and snow storms. The only thing I can say about this is that when I said this would have 5 chapters, I knew exactly what Chapter 5 would cover and how it would end. And this is not it. But I'm relatively certain this is the end.

She heard the picture placed on her desk.  When she looked at it, she rolled her eyes at the young man staring at her.  “Repeat after me.  Will McAvoy and Mackenzie McHale do not sell magazines.”

Ivan, her assistant, looked at her with a pitying expression.  “Oh sweetheart!  I’m so sorry.”

Ivan started running around Nina’s desk before she stopped him.  “We broke up last week.”  She took another look at the cozy picture of the anchor and his executive producer.

“That didn’t take long.”

“They’re not together.”  At his look of disbelief, she said, “I’ve been covering people like them since before you were in diapers.  Trust me.”

Ivan gave her an exaggerated headshake.  “I don’t know, there’s something happening at _News Night_.  Everybody’s talking about them.”

“They’re as close to getting together as you and me.”

Ivan looked her up and down.  “Sorry, girl.  You’re not my type.  But I have an ex-boyfriend who I think may be experimenting –”

Nina laughed.  “That’s alright, I can find my own.”

“You’re loss.  He’s a freak in bed.”

“Good bye Ivan!”

Nina laughed while watching him leave and pull the door closed.  She hadn’t heard the details, but nothing about the three of them made an original story.  Boy meets girl.  Girl cheats on boy.  Boy dumps girl.  Girl begs boy to take her back.  Boy won’t because he can’t acknowledge that he still loves girl.  Boy uses new girl.  Boy dumps new girl.  It’s not a tale as old as time, but the story of an asshole, a cheater and a social climbing bitch is nothing new, especially in this town. 

If she thought they had a snowball’s chance in hell, should might root for the pair, but if Will hasn’t figured out how he feels… well, she feels sorry for Mackenzie.  Nina always assumed the… whatever she had with him… would just stop one day.  One of them would just not need the other anymore and they’d part ways knowing that it ran its course.  With the exception of the amicable parting of the ways, that did happen.  They had a six-month relationship that went seven months too long.  That’s all it was.  She could have lived without being unceremoniously dumped in a green room after trying to help him.  But other than that, it ended the way it should have.

Nina Howard knew never wanted to give her heart to Will, partly because she knew that his wasn’t available to her and partly because she didn’t want to be tied down.  It was a good match, because neither could get serious about the other.  But she spent six months laughing with him, eating with him and fucking him regularly.    Growing attached seemed natural, but given how easily he could dispatch with their… whatever it was… she wondered how she missed how much of an asshole he is.  She even started to wonder how brutal the breakup had to be on Mackenzie who obviously did love him.  For six months, Nina wanted to call Mackenzie the other woman, but the truth was, Will’s heart never left Mackenzie.  His dick just ended up inside Nina for a little while.  And again, that’s not an original story.

She wanted to know just one thing, what the fuck happened?  One day they were messing around.  The next day, he missed a date.  A few days later, he came to her place with flowers and chocolate in his hands, and he just hugged her like he had the feelings he’d pretended he’s had for 6 months.  He told her he was sorry.  He knew he should have called and talked to her, but he honestly couldn’t.  She asked him if he talked to Mackenzie and he looked guilty for a moment before telling her that he called her once when he arrived in Nebraska because she needed to find a replacement for the show, but that was their only contact while he was gone.  He seemed sincere, but there was something else.  He looked like he needed something and since he came here and not to Mackenzie’s he must think she can give it to him.  And she wanted to help him if he wanted her help.  So she took his hand and tugged him to come in, but he shook his head and kissed her softly.  “I’m sorry.  Not tonight.  I’ve been on planes all day and I need to be back at work tomorrow.”  Nina didn’t know what she did, but he looked at her and added, “Nina, I want to try.  I mean really try.”  She wanted to believe him so much that she did. 

She kissed him and said, “Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow?”

He silently nodded his head and walked away. 

They spent the next two evenings together.  Will seemed serious about wanting to try, even though something felt off. It was the Will she wasn’t in love with, but a desperate Will she’d never seen.  When she asked about his trip, he said it was fine and that he got to see family he hasn’t in a while.  When she asked why he went, he smiled and said “life’s too short to dwell on the negative”. 

On Wednesday, Ivan walked in her office and told her in a sing song voice that Will and Mac broke up.  She did a double take and he explained that the news all over ACN is that Will won’t even make eye contact with his EP and while “the fierce Madame M,” as Ivan calls Mackenzie, would usually call him on that kind of shit, she hasn’t since he’s been back.  Nina rolled her eyes and said, “he’s been back for two days, she might just be busy.”

“Not according to my sources.” 

“Have your sources seen anything, or are they just making a guess?”  The look on Ivan’s face told her everything she needed to know.  “For the record, he came to my place on Monday and last night.”

“Then maybe he’s been bragging about the heap o’ good loving he’s getting from his woman.  The fierce Madame M won’t put up with that.”

Nina smiled.  “Go find something that will actually sell magazines.”  As Ivan left, Nina decided she finally needed some answers and called a contact at the _Lincoln Journal Star_.  If she could figure out why Will left, maybe she would know how to support him. 

That night Nina went to dinner at Will’s place and he was frustrated about some numbers he saw.  He never wanted to talk to her about work, but that night he tried and she couldn’t turn down a chance to fit into his world.  She advised him to fix his likeability by coming across as more likeable.  Don’t talk about religion, where he’s naturally combative.  Smile more.  Go on a morning show and show how fun he can be.  If he could show the audience who he really is, he would have everything he wanted – ratings, popularity and out of this world Q scores.  As she talked, she kept coming up with more and she got more excited.  And he never stopped her, so she kept going.  She was so sure she advised him correctly. 

They woke up the next morning and went to the studio together.  One of the producers asked if Mac would be around.  Nina wasn’t sure if the producer wanted Mackenzie’s expertise in the control room or if he was used to seeing the anchor with his other half.  Nina almost introduced herself as Will’s girlfriend, but before she could, Will said he didn’t have his EP with him this time, then he intentionally put his arm around Nina, a reminder that he was with her and not the other woman.  The producer asked if he was sure he wanted to do this without someone from the network signing off on it.  Nina pounced, reminding the poor producer that he wouldn’t have a job, in fact there would be no ACN at all, if not for William Duncan McAvoy.  The producer relented and took Will to hair and makeup. 

Nina watched the show in the studio and knew how the morning would end.  When she went back to her office, Ivan was there.  “Girrrrrrrrrl!  Did you see yo man throwing that hissy fit.  I don’t know who told him to do that shit, but somebody about to be fired!”

“Someone was.”

“Well, I hope it ain’t the fierce Madame M.  She got it –”

“Okay, Ivan.  I’ve got a lot of work to do.  Is there some reason you’re in here?”

“I was just going to leave you this message.  Someone from the _Lincoln Journal Star_ called about that hunk of brisket you be sleeping with.”

Nina took the message.  She didn’t know what she hoped to learn, but she called back because she might be able to turn it to her advantage.  She talked to a writer named Roy who told her that Will went home for his father’s funeral.  Local media wanted to interview him, but Will said he wanted to keep the weekend about his father and to spend it with his sisters.  Roy told her that he knew John McAvoy and he was a very proud father.  Roy wanted to tell Will that himself, but Will seemed pretty broken up at the funeral and left almost immediately after it ended.  She called Will to offer her condolences, but he didn’t answer the phone. 

A few days later, Ivan walked in and told Nina about a big fight Will and Mackenzie had.  According to his sources, Will and Mac talked the night after the morning show and they had a huge fight that ended with Will telling Mac he never loved her and was sorry he ever got involved with a bitch like her.  She apparently slapped him and left.  While they had been icy before, they were downright strangers now.  Ivan started telling a story, and Nina stopped him.  She knew whatever he was about to say wasn’t right.  She told him Will and Mackenzie may have fought, but it was nothing like that.  And even if they did, they don’t sell magazines.  However, news was slow and it seemed everyone at _Page 6_ , now under new management since the Lansings sold them, were just fascinated with the happenings at _News Night._   Or maybe they just wanted to embarrass their old management anyway they could, especially since the rumors were that Will had something to do with their new ownership. 

Nina could honestly say she didn’t care about the relationship between Will and Mac, but she did want to know what happened.  And if she couldn’t find out the truth, she could fill in the blanks herself.  She looked at the picture Ivan left again.  It took less than a week from her breakup with Will for him to do something deserving of Mackenzie’s ire and then for him to get back into her good graces.  She threw out the picture, she doesn’t need this shit anymore. 

()-()-()-()-()-()-()-()-()-()-()-()

**Last Night**

Will sat at the restaurant table waiting.  He understood of course.  Mac had the most important job at _News Night_.  No one questioned that, they stopped acting like he was the most important person on staff about a year and a half ago.  As a result, after a show, he could leave as soon as he changed.  Sometimes he didn’t even have to change.  But Mac had to shut down equipment, talk to producers, answer questions, prepare… things, maybe reports for the next day, and, well, he honestly didn’t know what all went into her job.  All he knew for sure was that she worked harder than anyone he knew, she made his job easier and his show – their, it’s their show, the other woman called it his show, but it always has been their show – their show benefited from whatever the fuck she does. 

Of course, if she was running late for another reason, he understood that too.  It wouldn’t be like her to be intimidated by having dinner with him.  Besides the fact that she has never been afraid of anything in her life – except jellyfish after her brother peed on her after she got stung on a family vacation – she had to know that he would never try to hurt her.  At least not anymore.  While he still tells himself he didn’t mean to hurt her before, he decided, he won’t let it happen again.  She’s his best friend and he can’t stand to see her in pain.  Especially if he did it to her.  It just won’t happen anymore. 

This is a new start.  It’s not because Charlie brought them to his office and told them to get it the fuck together.  He was going to do this anyway, Charlie just forced him to act early.  He replays their fight in his mind over and over.  He hated that he told her he may have never loved her.  He hated that he told her he thought he may still love her, but not enough.  He hated that he admitted going to her place and backing out of sleeping with the only person he wanted that night because he didn’t love her enough.  It took all this time, but he figured it out.  He loves her, but he’s not in love with her.  They’re best friends, and great partners because of the love and respect he has for her.  But being in love, that’s different.  And he doesn’t know what that means when it comes to their past and her relationship with Brenner.  That still confuses him.  But he knows that he loves her like a dear friend.  And that’s good enough.  It lets him know that he loved her back then.  It lets him continue their friendship.  There’s still a feeling of emptiness, but for now, it’s enough. 

And that’s what he has to say tonight.  He can’t offer anything but what they’ve created in the last few years.  He doesn’t understand why he couldn’t be with her the night he came back.  He can’t explain why every time he thinks about making a move towards her, Brenner comes into his mind.  He wants that to change.  He wants to stop punishing himself with that.  If he can just get rid of that image, then… who knows?  But he can’t, he doesn’t know how.  He feels like the kid in one of Charlie’s stories.  If he could just stop thinking about Brenner.  That’s why Charlie told him the story, right?  Will is the kid who shreds paper and Brenner is his paper.  But he doesn’t know how to stop shredding the paper, how to stop thinking about Brenner every time he wonders if he could end up with Mac.  And he keeps hurting himself and seeing people, both socially and therapeutically, and medicating because he keeps seeing this image in his head.  But he can’t stop.  He can’t stop remembering. 

But that’s not the point of tonight either.  Tonight, he has to tell Mac that he was wrong.  That he did love her.  And he still does, even if it can’t turn into anything.  She’s his best friend, and that means more to him than… anything. 

Will saw her the moment Mac arrived.  He followed her transfixed with his eyes as she was escorted to their table.  She’d changed after the show, probably found something on Sloane’s rack.  She fixed her hair.  Fuck she looked gorgeous.  It reminded him of another time.  God he wished could have that time back.  Maybe if he could he wouldn’t have taken so long.  He would have… he can’t do this now. 

“Mac!  You look gorgeous!”

Mac smiled at him.  “Well, it’s not every night that I get to go to a nice restaurant with Will McAvoy.”

“Well, maybe it should be.”

Mac smiled as he pulled out her chair for her.  Will ordered some wine and an appetizer.  As he sat down he said, “I’m glad you were able to make it on short notice.”

“Well after Charlie’s intervention, I didn’t see--”

“Mac, please.  This has nothing to do Charlie or what the staff has been reporting to him.  I’ve spent the weekend and today trying to figure out what to say to you.”

“And I guess you’ve figured it out?”

“Enough.  You know that I do my best work when we throw out the rundown.”

Mac saw Will’s eyes crinkle as he smiled at his own joke and she relaxed for the first time since his father died. “That only works when you have a brilliant EP talking you through it.”

“You don’t think I can fucking do this?”

“I don’t even know what the fuck this is!”

“It’s an apology.  And if you will stop producing, maybe I can get to it.”

“It’s a—“  Mac stopped herself from talking.  Charlie called the two of them into his office after the 1:00 rundown, when Mac really didn’t have time.  Charlie said that the staff was talking about them and so was the staffs of other shows.  He demanded that they find some time to talk one on one about whatever the fuck happened before it becomes an issue for the show.  On the elevator ride back, Will gave her the name of the restaurant and told her to meet as soon as she could after the show.  She agreed but since then prepared herself for any direction this conversation could go. 

“Mac, I shouldn’t have gone to your house that night.”  Will looked at Mac and saw a flash of disappointment.  That was the night he came back and he thought he wanted to make a move on her and then he couldn’t go through with it.  She didn’t know he went to Nina’s right after and couldn’t stay there either.  “I don’t mean it like that, Mac.  I mean, that night set into motion a lot of things I wish I could take back.”

Will looked at Mac again, hoping that it was enough that she could use her producer ESP on him and just know what he meant.  But her face was unreadable, so he had to keep going.  “Mac, I loved you back then.  I can’t take that back and I wouldn’t want to.  And there are times that I forget what happened, and I think that—“

“Don’t Will, I get it.  And hearing you say it again will kill me.”

“I don’t want that, Mac.  I don’t want to hurt you anymore.”

Mac looked at him seriously.  “I know you don’t want to, but you do.  And you can’t keep doing it.”  God she remembers that look.  The one that said he was in over his head with emotion, so anything he could finally get out would be like an explosion.  And it would be something he could never take back, for better or for worse.  “Will, I know.  I know that you loved me as much as I loved you.  And then I hurt you.  In my confusion and stupidity, I ended something that was pretty great.  And I know that against the odds, we became friends, good friends.  Right?”

Will nodded his head, feeling something he didn’t expect.  “You’re my best friend, Mac.”  He put his hand on hers. 

“And you’re mine.”  She took a breath because she didn’t want to say what she knew she had to.  “And we’re at our best when that’s all that’s between us.”

Will thought he saw a flash from the corner of his eye, but he didn’t want to break eye contact with her.  “I guess we are.  But I’m still sorry.  I shouldn’t have –“

“Will, it’s okay.  I was the one that fucked us up.  We’ve both been living with the consequences of that.”

Will wanted to tell her that he forgave her.  He wanted to say that maybe someday.  That he’s been working toward… something.  That he wanted her and that he still loved her.  Any of those would have been true.  Hell, probably truer than any of his “not in love with her” soliloquy from before she arrived. But, looking at her, seeing the woman that looked like the one he fell in love with all those years ago, with the mind of the one that he admires and respects even more than he used to… He wants to offer her more.  He wants to give her everything he believes they both want.  But something stops him.  He can’t do it.  “So can we go back to being best friends?”

She didn’t expect it, but she hoped that he would offer some kind of forgiveness.  She hoped that she didn’t let him see her disappointment as she said, “Of course, Will.  Of course.”

Will saw the moment of hesitation and knew where it came from.  He tried to ignore it.  Later he could berate himself for hurting her again.  Right now, he had to concentrate on fixing their current relationship.  He smiled at her and said, “So have you decided which salad you’re going to order?”

“It’s 10 PM, I’m not that hungry!”

“But knowing you, you will be hungry enough to eat the sweet potatoes fries off my plate.”

Mac laughed.  “If it bothers you so much, why do you order them?”

Will smiled.  He couldn’t answer.  He couldn’t tell her that he gets them because he knows she’ll eat them.  She’d just make a joke about fattening the calf or something.  But he decided to take a chance.  “I don’t mind it that much.”

Mac rewarded him with a brilliant smile.  It wasn’t the relationship that she wanted with him.  She may never get that.  But this felt familiar.  It felt right.  At least for now.  “So you never told me how your trip went.  How were your sisters?”

“About like you’d expect.  Apparently the forgiveness gene just flew right past me, but Peggy got both of ours.”  He looked at Mac, wanting to say this right.  “There are times that I wish I got at least some of that.”

Mac’s eyes stayed locked on Will’s.  “I think forgiveness is a choice that a person makes because they don’t want to hold on to the shit of the past.  It’s a decision to move forward.”

Will swallowed hard.  He knew she was right, he just didn’t know how to do it.  He twined their fingers together and said, “So oil and vinegar on the side?”

The two sat at the table talking until they were asked to leave so the restaurant to close.  For the first time since his father died, Will felt a weight off his shoulders.  As they left the restaurant laughing.  Everything felt so right, the two of them enjoying each other’s company.  It wasn’t everything they each wanted, but for now, it was enough. 


End file.
